So here’s what I’m going to do: I’m gonna make a list for you of some of the biggest categories in this year’s Oscars©. These are the ones everyone is gonna be fighting tooth and nail to get a piece of, come Oscar© night. I’ll also tell you some of my picks and faves (short for choices and favorites!) and give you some interesting Oscar© fun facts. Like the following:
OSCAR© FUN FACT: Bob Hope holds the record for the most times having hosted the Oscars©. He hosted 17 times before his death in 2003, and 3 times afterwards!
So, without further adieu, let get on with the show:
COLLIN’S OFFICIAL GUIDE TO THE OSCARS WHICH WILL BE RELEVANT IN A FEW MONTHS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
OFFICIAL EXCITING OFFICIAL EXCITING OFFICIAL EXCITING OFFICAL EXCITING
CATEGORY 1- BEST PICTURE
This year’s best picture race is shaping up to be an unusually tight one, with many worthy contenders duking it out for that coveted spot. The National Board of Review, which is the first major critic’s organization to release its picks for the best films of the year, recently gave their top honors to Slumdog Millionaire. I know absolutely nothing about this film, but I did look up the poster online, and it appears to be a very depressing movie with absolutely no rapping kangaroos. It also looks like it has subtitles, which would mean that I would have to read it. BORING! When is Hollywood gonna learn? If I wanted to read, I would just stay at home and curl up with the latest issue of TV Guide! Personally, I think we’re gonna see a big upset in the category when Madagascar: Escape 2 Africa sweeps in and steals it. I just can’t imagine the academy giving up the chance to honor a movie that truly moves it, moves it!
WINNER: Madagascar: Escape 2 Africa
OSCAR© FUN FACT: Dorothy Dandridge was the first African American to be nominated for an Academy Award. However, she was unable to attend the ceremony due to the fact that Abraham Lincoln had yet to sign the Emancipation Proclamation, and she had cleaning to do.
CATEGORY 2-BEST DIRECTOR
This year’s best director race is shaping up to be an exciting one. What we’re seeing is a lot of directors coming from more indie/avante garde places to take a run at Oscar© gold. Two directors that have already shown themselves to be frontrunners are David Fincher for The Curious Case of Benjamin Button and Danny Boyle for Slumdog Millionaire. Fincher’s best know work prior to Button was probably Fight Club, a nihilistic ode to anarachy and the repression of the male id. Danny Boyle was probably best known for glamorizing the lives of Glasgow junkies in his cult classic Trainspotting. But despite all the stuff competition, I recently took a picture of my dog wearing a beret, so I think she’s gonna win it.
WINNER: Lillerfuff Von Cutenstein.
OSCAR© FUN FACT: All Oscar© winners will die truly alone, as this is a godless universe and all must venture into the murky darkness of eternity unloved and unknown.
COLLIN’S OFFICIAL GUIDE TO THE OSCARS WHICH WILL BE RELEVANT IN A FEW MONTHS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
OFFICIAL EXCITING OFFICIAL EXCITING OFFICIAL EXCITING OFFICAL EXCITING
CATEGORY 1- BEST PICTURE
This year’s best picture race is shaping up to be an unusually tight one, with many worthy contenders duking it out for that coveted spot. The National Board of Review, which is the first major critic’s organization to release its picks for the best films of the year, recently gave their top honors to Slumdog Millionaire. I know absolutely nothing about this film, but I did look up the poster online, and it appears to be a very depressing movie with absolutely no rapping kangaroos. It also looks like it has subtitles, which would mean that I would have to read it. BORING! When is Hollywood gonna learn? If I wanted to read, I would just stay at home and curl up with the latest issue of TV Guide! Personally, I think we’re gonna see a big upset in the category when Madagascar: Escape 2 Africa sweeps in and steals it. I just can’t imagine the academy giving up the chance to honor a movie that truly moves it, moves it!
WINNER: Madagascar: Escape 2 Africa
OSCAR© FUN FACT: Dorothy Dandridge was the first African American to be nominated for an Academy Award. However, she was unable to attend the ceremony due to the fact that Abraham Lincoln had yet to sign the Emancipation Proclamation, and she had cleaning to do.
CATEGORY 2-BEST DIRECTOR
This year’s best director race is shaping up to be an exciting one. What we’re seeing is a lot of directors coming from more indie/avante garde places to take a run at Oscar© gold. Two directors that have already shown themselves to be frontrunners are David Fincher for The Curious Case of Benjamin Button and Danny Boyle for Slumdog Millionaire. Fincher’s best know work prior to Button was probably Fight Club, a nihilistic ode to anarachy and the repression of the male id. Danny Boyle was probably best known for glamorizing the lives of Glasgow junkies in his cult classic Trainspotting. But despite all the stuff competition, I recently took a picture of my dog wearing a beret, so I think she’s gonna win it.
WINNER: Lillerfuff Von Cutenstein.
OSCAR© FUN FACT: All Oscar© winners will die truly alone, as this is a godless universe and all must venture into the murky darkness of eternity unloved and unknown.
CATEGORY 3 – BEST ACTRESS
An early dark horse favorite is emerging in the form of Anne Hathaway. She received some glowing critical praise for her turn as a recovering drug addict in Jonathan Demme’s neo-realist family drama Rachel Getting Married. She’s a former child star who has been very smart about refining her image in recent years by taking on more grown up roles in such films as Brokeback Mountain and The Devil Wears Prada. The Academy loves success stories like hers, and so there’s a good chance of them rewarding her with a statue. Also, Hathaway recently fell in love with an Italian con artist who seduced here, stole her heart, and then fleeced her of a bunch of money by claiming he was setting up various non-profit organizations. When he was arrested Hathaway’s world was shattered and all of her notions of true love and self worth were thrown out the window. I only mention this because she has more money than me and people like her more. Screw that bitch. I’ll take any chance I get to knock her down a peg or two.
WINNER: Someone more attractive and more successful than me. So probably Anne Hathaway or maybe that Hippo from Madagascar: Escape 2 Africa.
OSCAR© FUN FACT: During World War 2, the need for extra metal on the front lines led to the Academy deciding that, instead of the traditional gold statues, all Oscars© would be carved out of wood by one mentally retarded boy on a porch in Alabama. He was paid 73 cents and got to touch Ava Gardner’s left breast for one whole hour.
An early dark horse favorite is emerging in the form of Anne Hathaway. She received some glowing critical praise for her turn as a recovering drug addict in Jonathan Demme’s neo-realist family drama Rachel Getting Married. She’s a former child star who has been very smart about refining her image in recent years by taking on more grown up roles in such films as Brokeback Mountain and The Devil Wears Prada. The Academy loves success stories like hers, and so there’s a good chance of them rewarding her with a statue. Also, Hathaway recently fell in love with an Italian con artist who seduced here, stole her heart, and then fleeced her of a bunch of money by claiming he was setting up various non-profit organizations. When he was arrested Hathaway’s world was shattered and all of her notions of true love and self worth were thrown out the window. I only mention this because she has more money than me and people like her more. Screw that bitch. I’ll take any chance I get to knock her down a peg or two.
WINNER: Someone more attractive and more successful than me. So probably Anne Hathaway or maybe that Hippo from Madagascar: Escape 2 Africa.
OSCAR© FUN FACT: During World War 2, the need for extra metal on the front lines led to the Academy deciding that, instead of the traditional gold statues, all Oscars© would be carved out of wood by one mentally retarded boy on a porch in Alabama. He was paid 73 cents and got to touch Ava Gardner’s left breast for one whole hour.
CATEGORY 4 – BEST FOREIGN LANGUAGE FILM
Foreign movies are gay. Also, most of them support terrorists. So I just straight up refuse to watch them. But the last Girls Gone Wild© tape was shot primarily in Cancun, so I guess that counts. Right?
WINNER: Girls Gone Wild: Study Abroad…OR TWO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
OSCAR© FUN FACT: Ronald Reagan is the only American president ever to be nominated for an Academy award. Also, his economic plan was to give money to rich people so that they could give it to poor people, which is fucking retarded.
CATEGORY 5 – BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR
Only one name means anything in this category: Heath Ledger in The Dark Knight. Normally the Academy prefers to give awards to actors who portray mentally challenged people who survive the Holocaust© or whatever. And if the Holocaust© surviving retarded fellow also has AIDS and/or is a slave, an Oscar© is pretty much guaranteed. But the Academy recently decided via an official referendum that being dead is a bigger handicap than all that stuff put together, so Ledger is in. Speaking of AIDS and mental retardation, come next year we might get to see Heath Ledger pull off a hat trick that hasn’t been done since Tom Hanks won back to back Oscars© for Philadelphia and Forrest Gump. But that all depends on how warmly audiences receive Ledger’s next role, which will be headlining a remake of Weekend at Bernie’s.
WINNER: Heath Ledger (alive version) in The Dark Knight.
OSCAR© FUN FACT: The Oscar© statue was modeled after a Spanish man named Oscar Alejandebar, who was 12 inches tall and made of gold.
CATEGORY 6 – BEST WRITING, SCREENPLAY WRITTEN DIRECTLY FOR THE SCREEN
I think I have a lock on this category for my Heath Ledger/Weekend at Bernie’s jokes I wrote earlier. It was topical, it was edgy, and it paid great disrespect to two American icons, one of which was Australian and the other of which no one really cares about anymore.
WINNER: Collin A. Bullock for Stupid, Tasteless Joke: A Musical.
OSCAR© FUN FACT: The Emmys© have always been jealous of the Oscars© and often talks about it behind it’s back. The Grammys© thinks that’s rude, but no one really cares what the damn Grammys© thinks.
CATEGORY 6 – BEST NEWCUMMER
This is a very tight race, if you get my drift! Bow chicka wah wah! But if you know the industry like I do, you can see that there are only two people who are really in this race: Bree Olson and Eva Angelina. Olson has that spunky, “girl next door” thing going for her, but Angelina used to be fat and so she’ll let you do grosser stuff to her. More likely than not there’s gonna be a tie here, and so both women will have to share one statue, which could end up being really hot if it’s anything at all like my fantasies.
WINNER: The viewing public.
OSCAR© FUN FACT: We are currently involved in two futile wars; the economy is tanking; and global warming threatens to destroy the ecosystem of the entire planet. Meanwhile, you’re concerned about what dress Jennifer Lopez is gonna wear while she presents the award for “Best Sound Mixing”.
So, that’s all I’ve got for guys today. I’ll see you at the movies! (ED NOTE: Collin will not actually see you at the movie. He has been banned from all major movie theatres after “expressing himself” during a screening of Showgirls in 1995, and then later at a showing of Grumpier Old Men in 1997)
Foreign movies are gay. Also, most of them support terrorists. So I just straight up refuse to watch them. But the last Girls Gone Wild© tape was shot primarily in Cancun, so I guess that counts. Right?
WINNER: Girls Gone Wild: Study Abroad…OR TWO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
OSCAR© FUN FACT: Ronald Reagan is the only American president ever to be nominated for an Academy award. Also, his economic plan was to give money to rich people so that they could give it to poor people, which is fucking retarded.
CATEGORY 5 – BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR
Only one name means anything in this category: Heath Ledger in The Dark Knight. Normally the Academy prefers to give awards to actors who portray mentally challenged people who survive the Holocaust© or whatever. And if the Holocaust© surviving retarded fellow also has AIDS and/or is a slave, an Oscar© is pretty much guaranteed. But the Academy recently decided via an official referendum that being dead is a bigger handicap than all that stuff put together, so Ledger is in. Speaking of AIDS and mental retardation, come next year we might get to see Heath Ledger pull off a hat trick that hasn’t been done since Tom Hanks won back to back Oscars© for Philadelphia and Forrest Gump. But that all depends on how warmly audiences receive Ledger’s next role, which will be headlining a remake of Weekend at Bernie’s.
WINNER: Heath Ledger (alive version) in The Dark Knight.
OSCAR© FUN FACT: The Oscar© statue was modeled after a Spanish man named Oscar Alejandebar, who was 12 inches tall and made of gold.
CATEGORY 6 – BEST WRITING, SCREENPLAY WRITTEN DIRECTLY FOR THE SCREEN
I think I have a lock on this category for my Heath Ledger/Weekend at Bernie’s jokes I wrote earlier. It was topical, it was edgy, and it paid great disrespect to two American icons, one of which was Australian and the other of which no one really cares about anymore.
WINNER: Collin A. Bullock for Stupid, Tasteless Joke: A Musical.
OSCAR© FUN FACT: The Emmys© have always been jealous of the Oscars© and often talks about it behind it’s back. The Grammys© thinks that’s rude, but no one really cares what the damn Grammys© thinks.
CATEGORY 6 – BEST NEWCUMMER
This is a very tight race, if you get my drift! Bow chicka wah wah! But if you know the industry like I do, you can see that there are only two people who are really in this race: Bree Olson and Eva Angelina. Olson has that spunky, “girl next door” thing going for her, but Angelina used to be fat and so she’ll let you do grosser stuff to her. More likely than not there’s gonna be a tie here, and so both women will have to share one statue, which could end up being really hot if it’s anything at all like my fantasies.
WINNER: The viewing public.
OSCAR© FUN FACT: We are currently involved in two futile wars; the economy is tanking; and global warming threatens to destroy the ecosystem of the entire planet. Meanwhile, you’re concerned about what dress Jennifer Lopez is gonna wear while she presents the award for “Best Sound Mixing”.
So, that’s all I’ve got for guys today. I’ll see you at the movies! (ED NOTE: Collin will not actually see you at the movie. He has been banned from all major movie theatres after “expressing himself” during a screening of Showgirls in 1995, and then later at a showing of Grumpier Old Men in 1997)
And that’s a wrap!
